It’s difficult to be so excited for something that is so far away at the moment. Shit, 7 months is basically an eternity ya know?
Let’s take a second and rewind before I begin. <<<
About a month ago, I was talking to a ‘friend’ whom made me realize the reason I’m not particularly excited about my future is because maybe I’m chasing the WRONG future. I took this thought with me and carried it around, letting it become more and more cumbersome until there came a point where my brain just said, “Well, fuck it man. Maybe this thought has some real substance to it.” Of course, this could have been a symptom of psychosis but being crazy is all the rage now anyway. I came to the realization that I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and I had no real purpose. At first that was a really powerful thing to admit to myself; I have no purpose. This thought is probably the scariest thing I’ve encountered in my lifetime. Although the idea of living without a purpose provoked many emotions. At first I was fearful and sad of what life would be like if I never found a purpose but then I felt ambition; ambition to go find MY purpose in life. What I did understand was that continuing my life the way it was would only lead me further from self fulfillment. I became more open to the idea that maybe I was chasing a future that I grew up believing I wanted. As a child, teachers, parents and family all tell you to get good grades, go to college, get a job, have a family and eventually die happily. What if those steps don’t result in happiness for everyone? We’re all incredibly different people so why are we all told to do the same thing?
Growing up I always earned high grades and never had a real problem with learning. My parents and family would praise me for my grades but I never really felt good about them. I felt good about my grades because they made my parents happy not because they made me happy. My mom still hounds me to call about Dean’s list certifications but to me it’s just another piece of paper honoring my ability to memorize information instead of actually learning. (Congrats!)
After analyzing these thoughts that I so naively overlooked during my past, I accepted something; I accepted that I have no fucking clue what I want to do for a living. I also have no fucking clue what will keep me happy until the end of my days. I’ve also accepted that maybe being clueless for once in my life isn’t so bad after-all.. Many of the most influential people this world has seen have had a point where they just gave up briefly on following the course of life they chose. So why can’t I? Sure, maybe I’ll get some backlash from others but at the end of the day I make my own decisions right?
Fast forward to the present now. >>>
Now that this idea to put my life on hold and travel for a bit is deeply ingrained into my brain, I can start preparing myself. By preparing myself I don’t mean just evaluating my finances and stockpiling bug spray. What I really mean is preparing myself mentally. In order to do something so far outside my comfort zone, I’m going to need to become more of an independent free-floating adult. My whole life I have been an uptight, super organized, responsible person and that causes too much burden. It caused me to be afraid of things that were not in order and outside of my comfort zone. Everything I’ve ever attempted I’ve sized up and done internal calculations to see if I was prepared for the task, but this adventure would be much different. This adventure would be something that I couldn’t possibly prepare for in conventional ways. In fact, I never even considered traveling because It is so far away from the person I was (apparently a huge pussy). I’m incredibly afraid of this new adventure so I decided that I need to become a more open-minded person to be properly prepared.
To prepare for this I’ve forced myself to be more accepting of others. I’ve taught myself to be more “whatever” about things. I immediately cut my stress in half just by saying, “Whatever, stop stressing”. Things that need to get done, WILL get done. Things will work out whether you’re stressed about it or not so why not just… not be stressed. It really is that easy to change your mindset. Utilize your own thoughts to change the way you will continue to think, it’s one of those paradoxical mysteries we will never understand. Over the past month I’ve realized that people are incredibly similar even though we all may seem so different on the outside. We all have fears, insecurities and lies hidden deep beneath the surface. I’ve done my best to acknowledge that there are so many of us lost in the world and that we’re not all that bad. I began to try to put myself into unfamiliar situations, to stop stressing and to just slow the hell down. We all have shit to do and we’re all rushing around like we’re gonna die. Bro, you’re going to be fine, pump the brakes and just breathe homie. With each day, I felt as if I was pulling myself out of the dark and into the sunlight.
So here I am today, still fighting to become the person that I WANT to become. I will continue to strive towards a life filled with purpose and find something that means something to me. I will strive towards something that’s worth more than a paycheck, more than the brief euphoria and the trophies on our shelves. My next adventure will be a solo backpacking trip to South America beginning in January 2015. I hope this trip will help me to experience a life other than the futile materialistic life I am so used to living here. I hope to learn more about other people and experience other people’s lives and cultures. Maybe this experience will help me to learn more about myself and to live a more purposeful life. Until then I will keep on preparing myself in any way that I can and posting my thoughts here.
Open your mind, explore the world and subject yourself to the universe.